you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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