hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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