I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
