apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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