My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
