I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
