Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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