I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
