My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
