we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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