So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
