What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
