Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize