just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
