There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize