Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
