oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
