True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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