I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
