i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
