I'm going to jail i love you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
