Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
