I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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