My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
