Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
