yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
