Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
