She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
