She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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