I've blown a few things in my day
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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