nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
