i already hear my dad disowning me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
