i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
