Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize