Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize