ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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