Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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