I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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