It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
