I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
