There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
