Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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