I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
