Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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