My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
