So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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