i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
