i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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