i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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