So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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