I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
