She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize