who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
