Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
