We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize