I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
