Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
