After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
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