You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
