I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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